Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Out of Order, little bit of an update

I'm stepping out of order a little bit today.  I think it's time for an update on my Rainbow pregnancy. Everything is going pretty well.  The babies are growing right on target, around the 65th percentile.  Baby Gracie is transverse, laying across the top of my tummy.  Baby Bekah is breech, with her face in her sister's belly, legs going up my right side.  I have a biophysical profile every week, and starting at 34 weeks, add in a non-stress test on Mondays.  I'll be dragging my belly out of the house a whole lot right at the end!!

  I found out a couple weeks ago that I have Gestational Diabetes.  Great. Since I wasn't high risk enough?  This goes so much deeper in me than just "aw, crap, I can't eat cake or cookies any more."  This takes me to a place of pure fear.  When Landon was born, and was so sick, then died, I wanted answers. ANY answer would do. We still, twenty months later,  have very few answers.  I do know that a couple doctors, and nurses, too, have commented to me about placentas looking as bad as his did, usually come from moms with out of control high blood pressure (mine has always been great!)  or going overdue (my baby came at 38weeks, 5 days)  or uncontrolled diabetes.  I had the standard glucose tolerance testing at 28 weeks, and passed the first one. 

When I was pregnant with Aidan, I failed the first one, but passed the second.  With Landon, I passed first time around.  This time, I failed both.  From the moment I got the test results, every bite I've eaten, has been coupled with the thought "I hope this doesn't kill my babies."  Irrational, probably. Understandable?  I hope so.  So, I was given the glucose monitor, prescription for test strips, and pills to increase my insulin production.  A small sample diet, and guidelines.  I found that following the guidelines, my sugars were still way high.  So, I started eating half of what was suggested.  Sugar would still be 5-10 points high, but better than 25-30.  After 2 weeks of that, I finally had a meeting with a dietician and diabetes training nurse.  Apparently I've been going at things all wrong.  The dietician gave me a very deatailed description of what I"m supposed to eat every meal and snack of every day, and told me to eat it, and if my sugars are bad, my doctor would have to adjust my medicine.  There's a lot of food on that list.  More than I desire to eat.  And, just following her guidelines for meals, my sugars have been crappy.  Yesterday, after lunch, after following exactly the guideline, it was 173.  It is supposed to be 120 or less 1 hour after a meal. 

This is freaking me out.  All I can think of is Landon, and what IF this is why he died.  Dr. Little told me that there's no way that's what it was, I would have had a lot of diabetic symptoms for it to have been bad enough to do that to him.  But, once you are the mommy of a dead baby, anything that reminds you of any circumstance, real or possible, or even imagined, of your child's death, is going to be tough to deal with. 

This training was a classroom situation, there were three other pregnant women.  The lady was questioning me about why  I felt like I had to eat to please the meter, rather than eat what I was supposed to and get the meds adjusted, I told about Landon. I ended up breaking down and sobbing and boo-hooing. I felt so stupid.  What pregnant woman wants to hear of a worst-case scenario that REALLY happened, to the woman sitting in class with them?  I apologized.  The girl to my left leaned over and told me she understood, she had a 32 week stillborn son 7 years ago.  That helped me a little, but I still felt sorry for the two who had never been touched by the loss of a child.   I was apologizing for breaking down, explained that doesn't happen a lot (which, it really doesn't. I do really well keeping it together) and the instructor lady asked how long it had been.  "Twenty months" was my reply.  Not a year and a half.  Not acouple of years. I was very specific.  Twenty months.  To be even more exact, it had been twenty months and one day since he died. 

When will I give generalized timelines rather than exact? I don't know.  I don't tell people that Aidan is 33 months old, I just say, "He'll be 2 in June." 

Losing a child, is something that will always be a part of me.  I'll never forget it,  I will never not include my littlest son when someone asks how many kids I have.  I hate seeing people's faces fall in sadness when I mention him, but ten minutes later, they'll forget about me and Landon.  I, on the other hand, will live the rest of my life with a part of my heart and soul missing.  I really thought when he died, that he took the best part of me with him.  Now, I know, he only took part of the best.  Aidan Henry brings out the best every day.  Sometimes I let myself get excited about the baby girls' arrival, and feel the best of me coming out to play.  Hopefully as more and more time passes, I'll get back more and more of who I used to be. 

I love my husband and our children.  They are my life. They are who keep me going, when the sadness makes me just want to sleep my life away.  They deserve the best of my love, and I'm doing everything I can to ensure that they get that, but also, I'm trying to make sure that nothing takes away from the love I feel for Landon.   The sadness I feel for him, is a completely separate entity from the pure joy I feel from being Aidan's mommy and Larry's wife.  I thank God every single day for the roles he has given me in this life.  Even the role of Mommy to an Angel.  Yes, my baby died.  But, I'm still thankful that I,  LORI, was the one chosen, out of all the millions of other women, to be that tiny creature's mommy.  I also know, for sure, that Landon never knew anything in his life, other than love. 

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