Sunday, May 27, 2012

I don't want to go this long, again!!

I apologize that it has been so long since I've updated.  My beautiful kiddoes keep me so busy!  I am a blessed Mama, that's for sure. 

My Double Rainbow Twincesses had a birthday!!  They're ONE now! I can't believe it.  Well, actually they're getting pretty close to being 14 months old, but I'm behind. 

Their birthday was amazing and so much fun, but also was pretty emotional for me.  Of course it was.  I couldn't keep my mind off of the big first birthday party I DIDN'T get to throw.  The baby I had, that didn't make it to that big milestone, who never really hit any milestones.  I got mad and sad, and I had a couple of crying spells, in the weeks leading up to the double rainbow party.  I miss him. He should have been here to help his sisters blow out their candles and open their presents. 

Through Landon's death, and the healing process that is ongoing, I've "met" a lot of loss moms.  "Met" in quotes because it's all online.  Well, I do have one friend I've met face to face, Laurie, and I love her so much.  She came here when we were both pregnant with our rainbows, and she happened to be close to where I live the night of the party, and she, her husband, and their rainbow baby boy all made to drive to come party with us!! That meant so, so much to me.  Our babies were so cute playing together, and she was the only one there who I knew for sure, understood what I was feeling that day, and how much the girls mean to me, to my healing. 

I made their cakes and cookies.  I love doing that for my kids.  I hope some day they'll look back at these pictures and be proud of their mommy, as proud as I am of my babies.

 Aidan turns 4 in five days.  Which means I have 3 weeks and 5 days until Landon's third birthday,  5 weeks and 5 days until he's been dead for 3 years.  Three years, it is unbelievable to me.  Some days it seems like it was just yesterday, and others it seems so far in the past. 

I will be honest, I have had some bad days recently.  Nights, actually.  One night last week I was up nearly all night, sobbing, shaking the bed, crying hard
I'm still so mad.  I had a perfect life for 55 weeks.  From the day Aidan was born, until the day Landon was born and my world turned upside down, it was exactly 55 weeks, almost to the hour. Aidan was born at 2:59 p.m. and Landon was born at 1:52 or 53 p.m., 55 weeks apart. 

I still ask what I ever did to deserve this.  The answer is, nothing.  It isn't a punishment, just as having healthy kids isn't a reward.  It just IS.  It just happens.  It happened to me.  There's a good chance if you take the time to read this, it happened to you, too, and I'm sorry for that. 

I have a happy life now, I truly do.  Even in the weeks and months immediately after Landon died, I had a happy life,  or at least bursts of happiness.  I never thought I'd have kids, and I had Aidan who was perfect, and Landon.  And I got a bonus set of absolutely perfect little twins.  I'm so thankful for all four of them. 

Here's some more pictures, since I've been MIA for so long. 

I won't lie, I'm having a ball with the hair-do's.  I make their bows, and I LOVE the piggy-tails.  Gracie really doesn't have enough hair for two pigtails, but sometimes I put 2 in, anyway.  Rebekah HAS to have 2, that child has enough hair for three babies!!

Confession:  I think I have an addiction to Instagram.  I can't take a picture anymore without wondering which effect on there will look best.  Lame-o, I know.  It's the little things.

Everyone, have a good holiday weekend, and stay safe.  I promise I will try to get back into the groove of my blog. I have a feeling I'm going to need it in the next month or so.