Friday, December 23, 2011

Three Christmases Ago

Christmas 2009 was the saddest of my life.  One year, and everything changed.  Thank God for Aidan and Larry. They're all that kept me sane from June 22 and on.  By Christmas, the very worst of that violent grief had eased up some, I could function close to normally, but I was still crying a whole lot.  I had panic attacks trying to Christmas shop, I had so much anger, knowing that I SHOULD HAVE been shopping for two little boys. SHOULD HAVE been hanging up two little stockings. All of the SHOULD HAVES in the world, and each of them crossed my mind a whole lot. 

Larry and I both had a big breakdown when we put up the tree, remembering the hope we felt with it the year before.  When Christmas Eve night rolled around, and "Santa" came, it was so rough.  So hard not to imagine what our lives and holidays would have been like, if only. If only Landon's placenta had stayed healthy.  If only there had been an ultrasound at the end.  If only....

But, despite all the sadness of missing my little boy, I had so much joy through Aidan.  He was almost 19 months old.  He was, and is, a funny, happy, loving kid.  My world was (and is) wrapped up in him. 

Funny how pictures hide the pain.  We don't LOOK like we're half dead on the inside.

There were some good memories made that Christmas, despite the heartache. I'm glad now that I did go through the motions, for Aidan's sake.  Lord above knows I wasn't feeling it, but I did it, and am so thankful that I did.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Four Christmases Ago

Christmas 2008 was absolutely the happiest one of my entire life.  Aidan was almost 7 months old, and I was pretty pregnant with Landon.  We put up our Christmas tree, and Aidan was drawn to the lights.  He's still very much obsessed with "Tittmuss yights."  We were as happy as any two people could possibly be.  We had a blast shopping for our boy.  He got a rubber Tonka truck, and a horsey jumperoo, tons of clothes, and lots of other toys, too. Our tree looked like it should have had five kids gathering around it Christmas morning.

Throughout the whole Christmas season, we took so much joy in watching Aidan play and love the decorations and lights.  As he was knocking ornaments off of the lower branches, we'd laugh and talk about what it would be like the next year, with one on the floor demolishing the lowest branches, and one walking, taking care of the next level of destruction. We couldn't wait. 

I thanked God every day, many times a day, for the gifts of my children and my husband. I truly felt like the luckiest, most blessed, woman in the entire world. 

Aidan has always been a big fan of the guy in the red suit!!  See my pregnant belly in the background?

My mom helping Aidan and my nephew, Gavin, open a present

Christmas morning, his very first. My sweet little boy!!!

His first Tonka.  

I wish I could go back in time to then, to have Landon tucked safely in my tummy again.  Even if just for a minute. To know that unfaltering hope, that I was soon to be the mommy to two.  To be so innocently naive, as to believe that getting pregnant meant I'd be bringing a baby home.