Friday, December 23, 2011

Three Christmases Ago

Christmas 2009 was the saddest of my life.  One year, and everything changed.  Thank God for Aidan and Larry. They're all that kept me sane from June 22 and on.  By Christmas, the very worst of that violent grief had eased up some, I could function close to normally, but I was still crying a whole lot.  I had panic attacks trying to Christmas shop, I had so much anger, knowing that I SHOULD HAVE been shopping for two little boys. SHOULD HAVE been hanging up two little stockings. All of the SHOULD HAVES in the world, and each of them crossed my mind a whole lot. 

Larry and I both had a big breakdown when we put up the tree, remembering the hope we felt with it the year before.  When Christmas Eve night rolled around, and "Santa" came, it was so rough.  So hard not to imagine what our lives and holidays would have been like, if only. If only Landon's placenta had stayed healthy.  If only there had been an ultrasound at the end.  If only....

But, despite all the sadness of missing my little boy, I had so much joy through Aidan.  He was almost 19 months old.  He was, and is, a funny, happy, loving kid.  My world was (and is) wrapped up in him. 

Funny how pictures hide the pain.  We don't LOOK like we're half dead on the inside.

There were some good memories made that Christmas, despite the heartache. I'm glad now that I did go through the motions, for Aidan's sake.  Lord above knows I wasn't feeling it, but I did it, and am so thankful that I did.


  1. He is darling. I liked how you say that the pictures hide your saddness... that is exactly how I feel as well. If only people knew what I was thinking during "that" picture...

    Wishing you a Merry Christmas and hoping that your day is bright and your angel is with you in some fun with those cute kids!! ((Hugs))