Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Aidan's Birthday

Aidan had a "dirtday" on June 1.  I can't believe my little man is four years old.  He should still be that little wriggly, smily newborn!  This has gone way too fast.  He's so funny.  We planned his party to be held on his actual birthday, and then we planned a surprise (for him) trip to Tennessee, leaving two days after his birthday. 

The child has asked, every single day since our last trip, "I go a Tennessee again aday, mommy?"   Every single day, without fail.  We didn't tell him we were going.  He thought we were going to Costco, all the way up until we were actually over the state line and into Tennessee.  He was THRILLED!!!  I will write a post about our vacation later, this one is about my first baby's big day. 

I had asked him, over and over, what kind of cake he wanted.  Offered Jake and the Neverland Pirates,  offered Handy Manny, Mike the Knight, even Up!  He never wavered in what he wanted:  Blue cake with pizza and green.  That's exactly how he said it.  He wanted a blue party.  So I asked everyone to wear blue and made him his cake.

Here's his cake.  Blue, with pizza and green.  He loved it!!!

My four year old, complete with a Sunkist moustache!!!

Pizza is his favorite food on the planet.  We served that, plus cheeseball and crackers and chips and dip.  Since I didn't have to cook much real food (just the cheeseball)  I made homemade ice cream.  It was a huge hit.  Of course, he hates cake and thinks ice cream is some kind of evil poison sent straight from the dairy farm to kill him, but everyone else liked it.   He hates sweets.  He does, however, like these M&M chocolate chip cookies I started making around Christmas time.  So, I made a batch of those for his party, too.  If I wasn't so cheap, I would have ordered blue m&ms for them. They were good, even with all the colors!!

He was so excited to open his presents.  The only thing he had asked for was a horn with three buttons.  He's very specific!!  We searched online for weeks, and could only find a trumpet with four buttons, but he loves it!  He also got a leap pad (which was amazing for the 6 hour drive to Tennessee!) and some clothes.  And trucks.  Many trucks, and he was in little man heaven.  It was a really good birthday.  We were surrounded by family and friends, people who love us, and are nuts over him.  I appreciate everyone who came to be with us on his big day. 

AIdan and my nephew

This is the next day, at a going away party.  My twins and my niece, Allyson. 

Rebekah at Aidan's birthday party. 

Gracie kissing her great aunt. 

Being there, at the church, celebrating Aidan's birthday, took me back to his first birthday party.  We had it at the church then, too.  I was very pregnant with Landon.  We were so happy.  So in love with our boys, the one we were celebrating and the one we were anticipating.  I had prayed that Landon would stay inside until the party was out of the way, anytime after that was fine.  Ugh.  If he had come before the party, he would be here now.  I hate that my mind works that way, but I can't help it. Of course back then, I didn't realize that my baby could really die, though.  That only happened to Other People.  Not me. 

It hurts me to look at the pictures from Aidan's first party, but I will share them here.  I may have shared them last year, too, I can't remember. 

These are the few I can find right now, I would have to go to the other computer to find the rest of them.  My belly.  Landon was in there.  No matter what, I will always know that he was there.  That shirt, my mom had bought it for me, it's the one I was wearing when Landon died in my arms.  It is still hanging in my closet, but I've not worn it since.  

Aidan's first birthday party was the last big family function where Larry and I were totally and wholly happy.  We're happy now, but there's a  hole in the happiness.  It isn't as pure or as trusting as it was on the day we celebrated our first year with this precious little boy we had waited and prayed for for so long.

I want to talk about Aidan for a little bit.  It will probably all be things I've said before, but I want to say them again.

He is the child I never thought I could have.  He is the child that made me a mommy.  He changed everything, everything is so much better because of him.  His first year was so full of bliss and happiness.  Our entire world revolved right around that cute little pudgeball.  I am a stay at home mom,  every second of my life was spent right with him,  still is, in fact.  \He's my hero.  All of the years I spent praying for a child, I never once dreamed that my child would be as amazing, beautiful, sweet, funny, and even mean, as he is.  If I had never had another child, I could have died happy and complete, knowing that he was mine. 

When I got pregnant with Landon I was stunned.  I never imagined I could or would love another child the way I do Aidan.  I actually worried about it.  But, as sick as he was, the minute I saw him, I DID love him, every bit as much as I do Aidan.  When he died, Aidan is the only thing that pulled me through.  He needed me to get out of bed, to function, to leave the house.  He needed me to laugh and play.  Thank God he's the funny kid that he is, because he brought laughter back to my heart.  In the early days after Landon died, sometimes I would be laughing and playing with Aidan, and it would hit me,  my baby is dead.  Why in the world am I laughing?  Enjoying myself?  Guilt ate at me (sometimes it still does).  But, the answer is easy.  My baby was dead,  but my toddler is very much alive and needs me. Aidan saved me, and I will forever be grateful to him for that.