Friday, May 27, 2011

The "Hippest" Mommy in Town

My babies are 7 weeks old now.  I can't believe how time flies!  They are both over 8-1/2 pounds, and healthy and growing like little piggies.  Aidan is in love with them, calls both of them "We-bett-ee".  If I say, "that's not Rebekah!"  He'll say, "Gracie!!!"  only it sounds like "Ricie!!"   He wants to kiss and love on them all the time.  All.  The.  Time.  I prayed that he would love them, and that them being in his life would be a good, positive thing, and so far, it seems as if that prayer has been answered.  He doesn't quite "get it" yet, that we let sleeping babies sleep... but, I would rather him love them too much, than to resent them.

My little boy will be 3 years old in five days.  It doesn't even seem possible, he should still be tiny like the girls!!  He's so into firetrucks right now.  EVERYTHING that is either red or a big truck, is a firetruck to him.  I want to try to find a Wilton's firetruck cake pan, for his birthday cake.  Either that, or I'll freehand one on a sheet cake.  Ack!  The thought of all that red icing! My hands will stay red for a year!

From Aidan's birthday until July 6th, will be a sad time for me.  Starting the day after Aidan's birthday, I'll be in the time period where, two years ago, I still thought all was perfect in my world.  Exactly 3 weeks after Aidan turned 1, my whole world turned upside down.  Landon was born, and it was bad.  That's not the way a baby's birth day should be.  That was almost a mantra I repeated over and over through that time, "It's not supposed to be like this.  Being a Mommy of 2 isn't supposed to be like this."  But, it was like that.  That was my reality.  My baby was born dying.  I got to be the mommy of 2 for exactly 2 weeks.  I was still a mommy of 2, after Landon died, but, how do you mother a dead baby?  I can't take care of him.  I can't buy him toys.  I can't do things for him.  In fact, the only thing I can do is remember him, and live my life so that I will see him again.  I thank God for that.  Part of wanting to write this blog, was my desire to keep him from being forgotten. 

Now on to the hips.  Rebekah was breech throughout the entire pregnancy.  My pediatrician ordered an ultrasound of her hips to be done at 6 weeks of age.  I took her last Friday (a week ago).  I hadn't even been home a full hour when the ped's office was calling.  The nurse I talked to said that the scan showed issues with both hips that needed immediate treatment.  She had already made Bekah an appointment with the orthpedic specialist on Monday.  I freaked out. She wouldn't answer any questions, just kept saying, "you'll have to wait til Monday."  I love my pediatrician, but his support staff sucks.  No compassion.

Monday came and we took my tiny little baby. The office was at Miami Valley South.  Thank God there's the south campus, I really don't think I could have taken another of my babies to Miami Valley main campus.  So, I was so nervous I was shaking.  My knees didn't want to work, to get me onto the elevator. I was picturing casts, surgery, wheelchairs....  Here's the reality of it:

She has a mild case of dysplasia.  Her hips are NOT dislocated.  Her socket is just a bit shallow, and this harness will help deepen it, and get the ball joint back where it needs to be.  She has to wear that thing 24 hours a day, only off for diaper changes, dressing, bathing, and "OCCASIONALLY" washing it.  He stressed occasionally, because the more time she spends in it, the sooner her hip will be better, and she won't have to wear it any more.   I take her back for an ultrasound in 2 weeks.  If it has resolved, then she'll only wear it at night, and that will last 6 weeks, then she'll be done.  If it isn't resolved, then we'll repeat again in 2 more weeks, and so on. 

The PA who treated her, asked why Gracie wasn't scanned.  I said because she wasn't breech?  He told us that was only one risk factor, and she meets all the same ones as Bekah, except for being breech. So, I take Gracie this afternoon for her scan. I pray her hips are normal.  This harness is breaking my heart.   Nobody wants to be told there's something wrong with their kids, but after you've lost one, then everything seems much worse.  On the other hand, after what I saw Landon live through, I keep telling myself, "at least it's just a hip.  It could be her brain. Or lungs.  Or heart.  Or brain."  (it was Landon's brain, you see.)

Losing my little boy has definitely tinted how I view the world.  I'm so appreciative of every minute I have here with my babies.  I am so tolerant of their cries, they don't bother me a bit.  I see mom's on a baby board I belong to, griping about their babies crying.  It hurts, because I had one that couldn't cry.  I'm so thankful that they CAN cry, and I wish everyone could be grateful when they hear their babies cry, that's a sign that the baby is most likely fine.



A double *Rainbow*

My life is good. 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Time Flies!

My babies are amazing.  They turned a month old on the sixth.   I'm sorry I've not updated, but, well, I've been a little busy!!

The night before my c-section, we went to eat my "Last Supper."  My mom, brother, sister-in-law, their 2 kids, Larry, me and Aidan all went to Lone Star.  I was WADDLING!  I'm glad I ate so well, because I didn't get any more solid food til Thursday Afternoon (that was Tuesday night!)

We came back home, my Mom spent the night with us, to be here with Aidan the next morning while we were getting ready.  It was our last night as a family of three.  Even saying that sounds wrong,  we should have been a family of four, soon to be six.  Landon, and what happened to him, was heavy on my mind and in my heart as I drifted off to sleep.  There were many prayers, not just that night, but the entire time I was pregnant.  Believe it or not, I slept really well that night.  I figured I would be up all night, worrying, but I did great.  

I got up the next morning, got ready, even put on make up!!  We had to be there at 10:15, surgery at 12:15.  I was ok til I got there.  Then the nerves kicked in. 

If you have read previous entries, do you remember where I mentioned Jenny, the nurse who delivered Aidan?  I forgot to mention in Landon's story, she was also with me for his delivery, and came to his funeral.  How amazing, and fitting, is it, that she was with me for this delivery?  She was also with my sister-in-law for my niece's birth!  She has been a part of so many happy and sad times, and I thank God for putting her in our path.  Anyway, with her being my nurse, that helped my nerves somewhat, she KNEW what I had been through, and knew I would be terrified.

At around 12:20, I was pushed into the OR and given a spinal.  I didn't like it too much at first.  But, I knew it was that, or be asleep when my babies were born.  The doctor had already made the incision when Larry was brought in.  It was the same room where Landon was born.  I was asleep for that, but Larry had to be brought in there, to see our baby being given CPR.  I  know that it was very hard on him to be back in that room again.  It was hard for me, too, although the only memory of that room I have is of praying with Dr. Patel before I was put to sleep.

So, if you're still with me, I know you're wanting to know the details of my babies!  Rebekah was born first, and she cried immediately, which was the best thing in the world, but her little cry was so very weak.  My doctor held her up for just an instant for me to see and then passed her off.  I remember him saying, "I don't think she realizes she's been born yet."  Then Gracie came into my world, screaming her head off.  Her scream was as different from her sisters as apples and oranges. 

While the doctor worked on putting me back together, Larry went over to where the babies were being checked out.  Rebekah was in bad shape, not breathing right.  Thank GOD I didn't realize it at the time.  That would have been the end of me, I'm sure.  Larry did come over and tell me that the babies might have to go to special care nursery for a bit, because of Bekah's breathing.   The next thing I heard was the neonatologist saying that all was fine, and if their sugars were fine, they could stay with me.  After it was all said and done, I found out that Bekah had fluid in her lungs, but once she was suctioned, she was fine.  Gracie was fine from the get-go.  Bekah weighed 4lbs, 13oz, and Gracie was 5lb10oz.  Much bigger difference in their weight than we had anticipated.

Both little girls are beautiful, heads full of black hair, big blue eyes.  That's where their similarities stop, though.  Bekah is the very image of Larry and Aidan.  She looks so much like my boy as a newborn!!  Gracie favors me, but looks SO much like Landon.  So much so, it takes my breath. 

My little Gracie


The girls are over a month old now, and both are about 7 and 1/2 lbs or so.  They've done great.  Neither needed any special nursery time, and both got to come home with me!!!  Thank you, God!

Having my girls has been fantastic, wonderful, amazing, and healing.  However, it has also awaken my grief to a degree.  Not anything terrible or anything, but all these little Mommy things I have the priviledge of doing with my girls, I never got to, or if I did, I never will again get to, do them with Landon.  I am so very thankful that I get this chance with Bekah and Gracie, I just wish I had Landon here with us.

If Landon had lived, I would have 4 kiddoes under the age of three!!  Wow! 

Aidan is crazy over the babies.  He loves them so much.  Sometimes I'm afraid it's too much.  If I had a dime for every time I say, "EASY!"  I would be a wealthy woman. 

I'm a happy woman.  I'll always miss my littlest boy, but I think he'd be OK with me being happy.  I love him so much, and I love Aidan, Bekah and Gracie so much, and I'm so in love with Larry.  It's a good life.  I am blessed.



My double Rainbow

My whole World