Saturday, February 26, 2011

What do you want to be?

How many times, growing up, is a kid asked this?  What do you want to be when you grow up?  What are you going to school for?  Do you want a career?  Then there are always suggestions thrown at you. "You should go to med school!!"   "Oh, I think you'd be a fantastic teacher!"  I had one standard answer to those questions.

"Lori, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Just a mommy.  That's all."

My mom tells of a conversation we were all having with my Popaw Virgil.  I was not too far from graduation.  They were talking to me about college and the future.  I had awesome grades, graduated top 10% or so of my class, National Honor Society, the whole nine yards.  Of course great things were expeccted of me.  Popaw asked what I was going to do for the rest of my life.  I hem-hawed around, and he finally said, "Well, what do you want to BE?" 

I said, "Just a mom." 

His response?  "Well, I guess you don't need a college education for that."

I did go to college.  For 3 semesters.  I wasn't happy.  I love learning.  I love writing.  I love taking tests.  I hate sitting through classes, and doing the medial, non-test things.  So, I dropped out.  Shortly after that I met my biggest mistake.

I met this guy.  He seemed OK.  Not the greatest, but not the worst either.  One month before I turned 21, I married him.  Not for love.  I don't know that I ever loved him.  Not for money, that's for sure.  He did have a job, and it payed decently, but it was nothing to brag about.  The ONLY reason I married him, was because he asked and I wanted babies.  I was so stupid.  I see that now.  Back then, I thought I knew it all.  Within six hours of being married to him, I regretted it.  Within 6 months I wanted out.  I was there for six years.  Six long years. 

He was mean.  Cruel, even.  The abuse was verbal and physical.  I hated life. I hated everyone.  But, I stuck it out. Because I wanted babies.  But, I also had started wising up, and realized that I probably wasn't in the best position to have babies.  I also suspected I was infertile, because we had been together for so long with no pregnancy. People had staretd blatently asking questions about "When are you two going to start trying?"  I did ovulation tests, but that was as far as it went.  I didn't know about charting and taking temps and all the other cool tricks I've learned since then. 

After about the third year, I started wanting out.  Badly.  He had me so worn down.  He had me convinced no one else would ever have me.  Or that he'd kill anyone I dated, or kill various members of my family.  I would pack up and try to leave, he would give me a head start out to the car, then come stumbling out, saying he had drunk drain-o or something crazy like that.  It was a never ending cycle.  Throughout all of that, I still prayed for a little baby.  I could handle anything, if I had a child of my own.

I was watching everyone else I knew get what I wanted so badly.  My Momaw would tell people how bad she felt for me, always being happy for everyone else, while she knew I was so sad for myself.  I became a very, very bitter, very angry woman. 

November 8th of 2003, my brother got married.  I was in the wedding.  My ex went to the wedding,but ditched out before the reception.  With our only car.  My mom ended up driving me home.  He wasn't there when I got there.  When he finally did get there, he said "I want a divorce."  I was in shock.  After years of him threatening me and all I hold dear if I attempted to leave, HE wanted a divorce  For real?Ok!!! 

He didn't move out of my house til about March.  Once he did, I felt the weight of the world drop off of my shoulders.  I was free.  It was about that time I heard from one of his relatives, that he had gotten some other girl pregnant.  I was hurt and angry, but mostly scared.  Up until then, I had blamed the lack of pregnancy on him, he had to have been sterile, nobody in my family has EVER had any trouble getting pregnant!  Hearing that he was going to be a father, made me face that the problem may have been with me and my baby-making parts.  

I went through a very selfish phase after that.  I wouldn't date anyone very seriously.  I basically hated all men.  Assumed I was infertile, so why even bother looking for another husband? 

All I can say is, God had a plan for me.  God watched over me, kept me from having kids with that man.  If I had reproduced with him, those poor kids would have had nothing.  NO chance of any sort of a life  Regardless of how hard I worked, the ex was a lazy pot head (who lied about it, I found evidence after he moved out).  The kid he had with that other woman?  She's always filthy.  Nasty.  Ripped and dirty clothes.  Not her fault, but that's just the kind of man he is.  I MADE him bathe and stay clean.  Nobody is forcing him now.  Ugh.  Man, I was stupid.

I got to the point after a while, that I was ready for something more meaningful.  I started looking for men who were interested in something long-term.  No matter how fantastic a man was, if he didn't express interest in having kids, I'd move on.  I was nearing 30. Time was a'ticking.  I met my Larry on a whim.  I had been cruising Myspace and came across his profile, and sent him a message.  We talked back and forth through emails for a while, then it moved into phone calls and a LOT of texting.  We finally met, and up until last summer, hadn't been apart for even one day since we met face to face.  (My mom and I took Aidan to Gatlinburg for 3 nights.  I missed my Larry bad while we were gone!!!)

So, that completes the introduction to my story.  Next time, I'll tell about the beginning of our relationship.  I will leave with this,   Larry is the perfect man for me.  I've never known anyone so good.  He's just plain, good.  I'm blessed, and I thank God daily for letting our paths cross.

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