Sunday, September 25, 2011

My Other Angel

It's the end of September.  Although I don't talk about it as much as I talk of Landon,  if things had been different, I would have been throwing a big first birthday Rainbow baby party, it probably would have been today.  There would have been tons of people here, or in the church fellowship hall, or the firehouse community room, or somewhere.  I would have cooked too much food, made a special cake, overbought presents, and come home dead tired. Instead, we had a nice family day here at home. I fixed burritos with copycat spicy white queso sauce.  We put the girls to bed, took Aidan to the "hot" (warm) tub for a dip, got him to bed, and I'm dead tired. 

  My due date with my first rainbow pregnancy was September 17th or 19th.  I don't remember now.  I feel bad about it, but I just don't.

I was scared to death that morning in January 2010 when I saw those 2 pink lines for the first time since Landon.  There was a living being inside of me, for the first time since he was ripped from my womb.  I was almost hesitant to believe it.  Of course we didn't even wait a day before telling everyone. And I do mean everyone.  We both even posted it on Facebook.  It was so soon after Landon, about 7 months after he was born, that his death was still front and center in everyone's mind.  We got tons of congratulations. 

I remember I went out and bought 2 new maternity tops right away. I believed it was my last pregnancy, I was determined to make the most of it.  I ordered 2 pairs of maternity jean shorts (jorts?) off of eBay.  I had never been pregnant through the dead heat of summer, so I had no shorts.  Two weeks.  Two weeks was how long I got to bask in the glow of new pregnancy.  I went in for my early OB visit, and my doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound that week, for dating purposes. Because I was absolutely not a candidate for vbac, he wanted to be absolutely sure that my dates were right.  My office visit was on Wednesday.  The ultrasound was on Friday.  I of course went online to see what an ultrasound of a 6 week 4 day baby would look like.  He or she should have had a head and tail end and a heart beat.  Friday came. I was excited and scared.  I hopped up on that table, the ultrasound lady who had shown me my other babies was working. 

She started the scan.  Asked me multiple times if I was absolutely sure of my dates.  We were actively trying to get pregnant, I probably could have pinpointed to within an hour of when we conceived! Of course I was sure.   There was no heartbeat, no fetus at all.  Just an empty 4 week sac.  I knew it was over.  But no one else would accept it.  I went for I don't know how many blood draws.  My hcg was rising but not doubling.  I had more ultrasounds that pregnancy than I did with Aidan or Landon.  It never changed, and by the next-to-last one, that little sac was shrinking.  It took two more weeks before I actually miscarried.  It was all through valentine's day. 

I was sad.  But I was still so broken over Landon, that I just didn't have the energy to fall apart over it.  I only cried once.  In the OB office, talking to the midwife.  I asked her why my body kept killing my babies.  She had a heck of a time trying to convince me that the 2 losses were totally unrelated.  As I left she said there was no need to wait, go get pregnant.  It took longer than I thought it would, but get pregnant I did.  And we all know the rest, I have two gorgeous rainbow baby girlies.  Who I wouldn't have, if my September baby had made it. 

After the miscarriage, I discovered a truly amazing online loss support group for older moms.  I've made several true friendships through there, that I also would never have without having lost my little September baby.  I like to think that maybe Landon needed a sibling in Heaven with him. I miss them both, but will see them again someday.  For now, I'll just give my three earth bound angels and their daddy all my love. 

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